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Exactly, oomans, who needs petrol?

 

 

One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.

 “Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.

 “What happened to the carpet?” she asked.

 “The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.

 Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.

 “Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”

 “Where’s the water?” asked Greta.

 “Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”

 “Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.

 “Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering, “Where do we begin?” 

 There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .

 “What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.

 "Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”

 “How so, raw?” inquired Greta.

 “Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.

 “But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.

 “Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”

 “What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”

 “Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using  Swedish fences and furniture as fuel, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”

 This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.

 Tune in to the Badger Broadcasting Corporation tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
 

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Very good!.......my favourite word is "moderation".......if humankind did everything in moderation, especially eating and breeding, there would be enough of everything to go round without destroying the planet, and there wouldn't be anywhere near as many sick, hungry, or obese people.

Pete

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A few days later, whilst on a crusade to Britain...

 

Greta planted her hands firmly on the tarmac and waited for the pine resin to set . It wasn’t quite as good as the isocyanate adhesives that she’d previously used but it was natural, from a sustainable resource, and would work well enough. She could already feel the terpene oils within it reacting with the tarmac and making it difficult to raise her hands. A job done well enough.

 “Oh dear,” said her fairy godmother, appearing in a puff of smoke.

 Greta scowled, she wasn’t wholly sure that the smoke didn’t contain lots of PM10s.

 “Do you think this is wise, Greta?” asked her fairy godmother.

 “Oh, I’m saving the planet,” said Greta, “What could be wiser than that?”

 Her fairy godmother decided not to re-start the debate about the planet’s potential longevity being far greater than humanity’s and decided to concentrate on only a more pressing concern.

 “I was thinking more of the immediate consequences of your actions, Greta. You see, those truckers have decided to break through the police cordon just  down the motorway and are heading here at quite a speed. I think they have been promised a bonus for filling the shelves in time for Christmas.”

 “Oh, they’ll slow down when they see me glued to the road. They won’t want to run over a cute young girl saving the planet.”

 Her fairy godmother bit her lip and stepped smartly aside. “They may not want to run you over, Greta,” she said hopefully, ”but I’m not sure they can slow down in time in any case. Not since their asbestos and phenolic resin brake pads were phased out and replaced by compressed hemp and cannabis resin.

 Greta looked up as the first of the big 45 ton trucks thundered towards her. It didn’t seem to be slowing. In fact, she was sure it had just switched lanes to point directly at her. As the colour drained yet further from Greta’s Nordic complexion her fairy godmother sought to offer some comfort.

 “That pine resin does seem to be quite a successful isocyanate replacement. Maybe there is merit in some of your ideas after all…”

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1 hour ago, Re-Pete said:

Hands up all those who think climate change has "nothing to do with us....."

Pete

Do I subscribe to the current topic of "climate emergency" - no, especially when we have the liberal elite (i.e. Bono, Harry and Megan, Leonardo DiCaprio, etc.) telling people what they should be doing whilst flying around the world in private jets!

I am of the opinion that we should all use less resources, recycle as much as possible, etc. Although, I do not support the eco mentalist nor can I abide groups such as: Extinction Rebellion, Green Party Insulate Britain (I cannot understand why these people are not being arrested and imprisoned), etc.

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When I was a kid we got milk delivered in glass bottles and then we washed and returned them for re-use. Not plastic bottles 

Supermarkets put all their delivery boxes out so you could pack your shopping in them, saving on shopping bags

Fizzy drinks came in glass bottles and with a deposit so you could make a few pennies back, encouraging re-use/recycling

Meat from the butchers was wrapped in a waxy baking paper style covering not in a polystyrene tray covered in plastic. Ditto fish 

 

We've got lazy and regrettably it's mine and my parents generation that have lead the way. We can all complain about kids with their fast fashion and iPhones but they're our kids and we made them with too much carrot and not enough stick

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Go back to getting food at your local farm store or butchers it’s much tastier but also more expensive, just something to get used to eh ??? . Seasonal veg and fruit home grown like the old days and milk straight from the cow you’ll be tb immune too . Happy days 

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  • 2 weeks later...

All very funny,  let's hope it's still funny in 20 years.

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